This Happened

Yesterday evening:

Mom: What the hell?

Me: What?

Mom:  Why are the sink and the counter covered in water?

Me:  Because I was bleeding profusely

Mom:  What?  What happened?

Me:  I don't know. I cut my elbow somehow. I didn't feel it. It's all mysterious. Like the giant purple bruise on my hip.  Mystery.

Mom:  And now you're bleeding profusely?

Me:  Yes

Mom:  Let me see ............ Dude, that's nothing.

Me:  It was dripping down my arm, yo

Mom:  Yeah but I wouldn't call it bleeding profusely. An arterial rupture... I would consider THAT bleeding profusely

Me:  I don't have time for your hospital knowledge right now.  I'm bleeding here.

Mom:  So you covered the bathroom sink in water for that?

Me:  I was FLUSHING OUT THE WOUND

Mom:  Right. Because of the bleeding profusely.

Me:  Right

Mom:  What the hell's all over your shirt? Is that blood?

Me:  No. Nail polish.

Mom:  What?

Me:  From earlier

Mom:  All over your shirt?

Me:  It was red. I have ADD. Spillage was inevitable.

Mom:  Uh huh.

Me:  Because of Christmas

Mom:  Spillage was inevitable because of Christmas?

Me:  No. Red nail polish. Because of Christmas.

Mom:  Ok. Are you still bleeding profusely?

Me:  Yes

Mom:  Dude, you need to stop bending your arm

Me:  What?

Mom:  Stop bending your arm. It makes it bleed more

Me:  But I can't see it, so I have to bend my arm around like this, see?

Mom:  You don't need to see it. You need to make it stop bleeding. Ugh, raise your arm above your heart, dude. This is all basic first aid, you know

Me:  Fine. Unbending.

Mom:  The hell??

Me:  What?

Mom:  Why the hell is the mirror covered in water splashes? How did you manage to get water all the way up there?

Me:  I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DIRECT THE WATER. BECAUSE I WAS FLUSHING OUT THE WOUND. BECAUSE I WAS BLEEDING PROFUSELY.

Mom:  Do you want me to get you a band aid?

Me:  I'm allergic

Mom:  To band-aids?

Me:  No, to the adhesive

Mom:  Ok I have some fabric ones instead

Me:  I'm allergic

Mom:  But they're fabric

Me:  I'm allergic to the adhesive, dude

Mom:  Oh right.  How bout a surgi-strip? Or a piece of gauze and tape?

Me:  I'M ALLERGIC TO THE ADHESIVE

Mom:  What the hell are you gonna do if you're in the hospital and they have to tape you up?

Me:  They can't. And you have to tell them that I have contact allergies to Neosporin and Bacitracin, too.

Mom:  The fuck?

Me:  I know

Mom:  Why wouldn't you tell them?

Me:  Because I could be unconscious

Mom:  What?

Me:  From the blood loss

Mom:  Oh, right. Because of the bleeding profusely. I forgot.

Me:  Hey, it stopped bleeding.

Mom:  Good

Me:  Just gotta disinfect it.  Shit.  Now it's bleeding again.

Mom:  You want a band-aid?

Me:  Fine. Mock my medical emergency. I don't even care. Dammit, my shoulder hurts.

Mom:  What?

Me:  From bending my arm around.  It hurts

Mom:  Oh my God. You could never live alone.

Me:  Whatever

Mom:  I'm just saying. You're too much of a hypochondriac

Me:  I'm gonna go lay down. I think I dislocated my shoulder.

Mom:  (Silence)

Me:  Seriously, though. How can you tell if it's slipped out of the socket? Because I think it feels a little clicky.

Mom:  Do you want a band-aid?