Mom: What the hell?
Mom: Why are the sink and the counter covered in water?
Me: Because I was bleeding profusely
Mom: What? What happened?
Me: I don't know. I cut my elbow somehow. I didn't feel it. It's all mysterious. Like the giant purple bruise on my hip. Mystery.
Mom: And now you're bleeding profusely?
Mom: Let me see ............ Dude, that's nothing.
Me: It was dripping down my arm, yo
Mom: Yeah but I wouldn't call it bleeding profusely. An arterial rupture... I would consider THAT bleeding profusely
Me: I don't have time for your hospital knowledge right now. I'm bleeding here.
Mom: So you covered the bathroom sink in water for that?
Me: I was FLUSHING OUT THE WOUND
Mom: Right. Because of the bleeding profusely.
Mom: What the hell's all over your shirt? Is that blood?
Me: No. Nail polish.
Me: From earlier
Mom: All over your shirt?
Me: It was red. I have ADD. Spillage was inevitable.
Mom: Uh huh.
Me: Because of Christmas
Mom: Spillage was inevitable because of Christmas?
Me: No. Red nail polish. Because of Christmas.
Mom: Ok. Are you still bleeding profusely?
Mom: Dude, you need to stop bending your arm
Mom: Stop bending your arm. It makes it bleed more
Me: But I can't see it, so I have to bend my arm around like this, see?
Mom: You don't need to see it. You need to make it stop bleeding. Ugh, raise your arm above your heart, dude. This is all basic first aid, you know
Me: Fine. Unbending.
Mom: The hell??
Mom: Why the hell is the mirror covered in water splashes? How did you manage to get water all the way up there?
Me: I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO DIRECT THE WATER. BECAUSE I WAS FLUSHING OUT THE WOUND. BECAUSE I WAS BLEEDING PROFUSELY.
Mom: Do you want me to get you a band aid?
Me: I'm allergic
Mom: To band-aids?
Me: No, to the adhesive
Mom: Ok I have some fabric ones instead
Me: I'm allergic
Mom: But they're fabric
Me: I'm allergic to the adhesive, dude
Mom: Oh right. How bout a surgi-strip? Or a piece of gauze and tape?
Me: I'M ALLERGIC TO THE ADHESIVE
Mom: What the hell are you gonna do if you're in the hospital and they have to tape you up?
Me: They can't. And you have to tell them that I have contact allergies to Neosporin and Bacitracin, too.
Mom: The fuck?
Me: I know
Mom: Why wouldn't you tell them?
Me: Because I could be unconscious
Me: From the blood loss
Mom: Oh, right. Because of the bleeding profusely. I forgot.
Me: Hey, it stopped bleeding.
Me: Just gotta disinfect it. Shit. Now it's bleeding again.
Mom: You want a band-aid?
Me: Fine. Mock my medical emergency. I don't even care. Dammit, my shoulder hurts.
Me: From bending my arm around. It hurts
Mom: Oh my God. You could never live alone.
Mom: I'm just saying. You're too much of a hypochondriac
Me: I'm gonna go lay down. I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Me: Seriously, though. How can you tell if it's slipped out of the socket? Because I think it feels a little clicky.
Mom: Do you want a band-aid?