Monday, April 21, 2014

I Do This For You

Remember when you had all your shit together and you totally remembered to wish your peeps a happy holiday?  Yeah, I don't.  Sorry about that.  I completely missed the Easterness with y'all because my attention span and memory completely suck.  And, well, let's face it.  At this point, if you don't expect me to forget shit fairly often, then I don't really know what to tell you.  Except that this was coming, yo.  You should always expect me to fuck up every now and again.  Because fucking shit up is really one of the things I do best.  If it wasn't, there wouldn't be anything to talk about here.  So really, I forget things and screw up because I love you guys.  And I want you to have fun reading the stuff on here.  And I want you to have someone you can relate to, and be all, ugh, dude I know I forgot to get that report in on time, but that's nothing, because this one chick I know FUCKING FORGOT EASTER.
I do this for you, you guys.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Damn You, Jed Clampett

The problem with having an attention span as shitty as mine is that, unless your end of the conversation is riddled with interesting facts and humorous anecdotes, before I know it you're balls-deep in some kind of monologue about whatever, and in my head I'm playing the opening credits for The Beverly Hillbillies.

People:  yeah, so you know, the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  Coooommmme, listen to me story 'bout a man named Jed ...
Me:  uh huh

People:  I know, right? Because of the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed ...
Me:  uh huh, I know

People:  Shit, I'm telling you ... the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... then one day, he was shootin' at some fooooood ... and up through the ground come a bubblin' crude ...
Me:  Shit, yeah, you're telling me 

People:  I know, it's a damn shame about the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... oil, that is. black gold. Texas tea. ...
Me:  Yeah, it's a damn shame

But then, eventually, my head gets me into trouble .........

People:  So, you know, anyway, the thing with the stuff ???
In My Head:  ................ swimmin' pools. movie stars. .............. THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES!!
Me: uh huh

People:  (silence)
In My Head:  wtf? they stopped talking. why'd they stop talking?
Me:  (silence)

People:  so?
In My Head:  seriously.  w.t.f.?!  oh, shit. did they ask me a question? crap. they're still looking at me. they definitely asked me a question. shit. they're still staring at me. they're waiting for an answer, dumb ass.  think of something.  anything.  damn you, Jed Clampett! I should've been paying attention! shut-up. it's not Jed Clampett's fault that you weren't paying attention.  and it's not Jed Clampett's fault that his theme song was so damn catchy.  and now you've just wasted even more time talking to yourself about the awesomeness of the Clampetts.  shit! they're still looking at you! say something! anything! SAY SOME WORDS.
Me:  oh, yeah, you know, I'd have to check on that, I'm not sure

People: you're not sure if you like pie?
In My Head:  shit.
Me:  oh, "pie"!    Hahahahaha!  Of course I like pie!  Who doesn't like pie, right?  I was just... I was thinking... I thought you were talking about the other kind of "pi" ... like the one from math.  But, yeah, I mean, pie is totally great.  You know, put some ice cream on that shit, it's all good.

And THAT, my friends, is what it's like in my head ...

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Let It Go, Yo. Let It Go.

So I finally watched Frozen.  I had to.  Because of all the hype.  And everybody was talking about it all the time, and there were all these jokes about it on Pinterest, and adults everywhere were like, "o.m.g. have you seen it yet? it's soooo good!"  And I was all, no I haven't seen it. I don't know what everyone's talking about.  I don't know what the jokes mean.   I want to understand.
And now I do.  Olaf.
And there was other crap, too.  Like the snow.  And the ice. And the cold.  Because all of the shit is frozen.  There is no subtlety in the title, people.  All of the shit. Is. Frozen.  And the only thing I could think when the queen is beginning to discover that her powers are growing, and you know there's trouble on the horizon, was "WINTER IS COMING".  (Spoiler alert:  Ned Stark isn't in this one.  And as far as I know, the Lannisters are still wreaking havoc in King's Landing.)
But for me, it was all about Olaf.  That guy is hilarious.  They need to make a movie just about Olaf.  Because he earned it, yo.  That snowman is a fucking star.