Thursday, October 31, 2013

It Wasn't An Oompa Loompa

The Halloween Rundown:

I got to work this morning, and the secretary at one of my work sites was in my office:

XX:  you have to help me!
Me:  oh crap, what happened?
XX:  I NEED a costume! Everybody else in the office is dressed up!
Me:  I thought you had one, what happened to that?
XX:  Well, I was in my negative last night, and so I didn't finish putting it together

(She uses the phrase "in my  negative" to talk about her state of mind when she just has a hard time and can't deal with stuff ... and I LOVE it ... from now on, I will be "in my negative")

Me:  ok, what's the plan?
XX:  Well, I put my hair up with a wire hanger, see?

(She did, in fact, have two braids sticking out from the top of her head in a backward sort of direction, and I thought it looked so cool, I asked her how to do it, so that I could wear my hair like that sometime, too.  XX:  oh cool! you're gonna do it for Halloween, too?  Me:  um, yeah, Halloween, that's definitely what I was thinking of).

Me:  very cool
XX:  And now, I'm gonna be a cockroach
Me:  what?
XX:  yes, I'm gonna make a cockroach costume out of brown butcher paper, see?

(She did, in fact, have the biggest piece of brown butcher paper I've ever seen).

Me:  uh huh
XX:  and I need you to help cut it to fit around me, and then staple it to me
Me:  you want me to staple the paper TO you?  I think that's illegal
XX:  then staple it AROUND me
Me:  ok, got it, stapling around ...
XX:  make sure you get the shape right
Me:  got it
XX:  and make sure it's secure so it won't fall off
Me:  got it
XX:  and remember to draw the lines on it going in the right direction
Me:  cockroach butt lines .... got it
XX:  good, how's it look?

And then, my friends, a few staples, and marker traces later (the good kind of marker, the one that smells like paint thinner and makes the moment a little better), the makeshift paper cockroach costume began to take shape, and her hanger braids looked like antennae, and one of the maintenance guys made her cockroach wings -- like those giant, terrifying flying cockroaches -- out of spare maintenance stuff he scrounged up.  And it was Beautiful.  And terrifying.  And I LOVED it.

I wish I could post a picture for you, but I was too wrapped up in living in the cockroach moment that I forgot to take one.  But, trust me, the picture that you have in your head right now, is pretty much dead-on-balls accurate.

XX:  I love it.  Now where the hell is my Orkin Man?!


Later in the day, I was headed to another work site, and I saw a cool oompa loompa lurking at a crosswalk.  And then as I got closer, I realized that it wasn't an oompa loompa.  It was, in fact, a dude with a very hard-working spray tan.


And for tonight ... they've left me in charge of the assorted candy bowl.  There may or may not be any Milky Way's left in the mix for the children.

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