Thursday, May 29, 2014

Cyndi Lauper, Captain Hook, and John McClane

Confession:  I am HORRIBLE at remembering people's names.  Basically, unless I literally hear your name every day, or I've known you my whole life, it's gonna take a few minutes for your name to come to mind.  BUT ... I can remember a face forever.  And so, what eventually happens is that I can remember what people look like, or who they remind me of, or something unique that they did, but not their name, and so when I need to tell another person about them, I usually end up saying shit like ...

Dammit.  I forgot to get that printout from Cyndi Lauper.

Or the guy from the Christmas party that got drunk and busted out moves nobody ever even knew he had ...  Hey, have you heard from Michael Jackson lately?

Sonofabitch, I have to go to the main offices, and my report was late.  Voldemort is gonna totally avada kedavra my ass.

Shit.  I locked myself out of the office.  Can you call John McClane to come let me in?

But the awkward part is that nobody else usually knows who I'm referring to because they're all better at remembering people than I am.  So when I ask about where the hell Captain Hook left the toner for the copy machine, I usually get horrified looks from people, and they say, "You mean Steve??  Uh, he went to go unlock the supply room with the master key".  And I'm all, "wtf? what happened to John McClane?"  And they're like, "Um, ok, John McClane is, in fact, Carlos, and he only has the master key for the outlying buildings."  And I'm all, "ohhhhh, ok, got it.  but, John McClane always unlocks my door for me when I forget the key, and I'm not in the outlying buildings."  And they're like, "Because Carlos always goes to get the key for you from Steve."  And I'm like, "who?"  And they're all, "Captain Hook.  John McClane always goes to get the key for you from Captain Hook."  And I'm like, "Ohhhhh, ok, perfect.  I get it now.  You gotta use the right names, otherwise nobody'll know who the hell you're talking about."

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