I've Seen The Star Wars

Once upon a time, in a small, small town, there lived a 30+ year-old woman who'd never, ever seen Star Wars.  And that woman was me.  And when people found out that I'd never, ever seen Star Wars, they flipped their shit.  And that's how I ended up spending a whole day of my weekend watching Episodes IV, V and VI.  And I saw some shit in the Star Wars.  Some weird-ass shit.

I became acquainted with Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker, who are goddamn twins, yo.  And I met Han Solo, who is like Indiana Jones but with even more hotness.  Although I do really like Indiana Jones with his hat.  On second thought, they probably should've given Han Solo a hat.  Or a whip.  Or both.  It would've all been good.  Because Harrison Ford is always the shit.  I feel like maybe the creators of Star Wars already knew that going in, so they were like Let's give him a giant furry side-kick with no tangible vocabulary, because if anybody can pull off an unbreakable friendship with a Wookiee, it's fucking Harrison Ford.

And Obi Wan Kenobi dies.  So does Yoda.  And I was all, Luke, you're running out of mentors, man.  What are you gonna do?  Why didn't you stay in the fucking swamp until you finished your training.  LEARNING STUFF IS A GOOD THING. Now, they're not gonna be there for the fight at the end.  Darth Vader is gonna kick your ass.  And the Emperor is creepy as fuck.  DON'T GO TO THE DARKSIDE, YO.  THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU THERE.

And when I started the first movie (which is not, in fact, Episode I, but the first movie in chronological order in which the movies are made -- it's all confusing, I feel like there should be cliff notes, or an appendix with maps and charts and other helpful material), I already knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father, because you hear the shit all the time ... Luuukkkeee, I AM YOUR FATHER.  But I did wonder if Luke Skywalker was aware that his father was a stately, elegant, African-American man with a voice like thunder.  And when they took off the helmet in the last movie, I was like, What the fuck, Star Wars? THAT MAN IS NOT JAMES EARL JONES.

But on the upside, I did learn that the Death Star isn't actually a star, just a giant death machine.  And in the last movie, I wondered how The Empire was constructing a new one on account of the no gravity in space.  I assume that the movies leave you with questions like this to keep you wondering, because that's how they get you to use your mind so you're better able to channel The Force.