Friday, March 14, 2014

There Was Blood. A Lot Of Blood.

Earlier today:

Me:  hey, do you think I need stitches?

Mom:  are you kidding me right now? what the fuck did you do?

Me:  sliced my finger

Mom:  with what?

Me:  razor blade

Mom:  shit. what the hell were you doing?

Me:  shaving my legs

Mom:  so how the hell did you manage to slice your finger?

Me:  well, I was trying to take care of the blade and dry it real good

Mom:  the fuck?

Me:  you know, so that it'll last longer

Mom:  you know those are disposable blades?

Me:  um, yeah, but you know, waste not want not

Mom:  so for a two-dollar razor you made yourself bleed?

Me:  well, when you put it that way it makes me sound ridiculous

Mom:  uh huh

Me:  so?

Mom:  what?

Me:  do you think I need stitches?

Mom:  um. no. that doesn't need stitches. that is a glorified paper cut.

Me:  what the hell are you talking about?! do you know how much that shit bled? a lot, dude. I had to hold my hand above my head and everything.

Mom:  uh huh

Me:  and then I flushed out the wound and the bitch still bled, and then I disinfected it, and it bled even more

Mom:  uh huh

Me:  seriously, dude

Mom:  uh huh. so what you need there is a band-aid. and some neosporin

Me:  dude, we've been through this. I'm allergic.

Mom:  oh yeah that's right

Me:  so?

Mom:  what?

Me:  what do you think I should do?

Mom:  um, nothing dude, it's really not that bad

Later in the day

Me:  shit

Mom:  what?

Me:  I was putting on the seatbelt and the wound popped open again

Mom:  wound?

Me:  yes, wound

Mom:  that's not a wound.  it's more like a minor cut

Me:  it hurts, it's bleeding. it's a wound

Mom:  uh huh

Later that evening:

Me:  dammit!

Mom:  what the hell are you doing to yourself?

Me:  it's not my fault!

Mom:  what?

Me:  I sneezed. and the force of my sneeze popped it open again

Mom:  the fuck?

Me:  my sneezes are violent, dude

Mom:  I don't even know what to say to you right now

Me:  i'm bleeding, yo

Mom:  let me see ... dude, there is one drop of blood coming out of that paper cut

Me:  wound

Mom:  ... (silence) ...

Me:  there is a drop of blood seeping out of my wound

Mom:  and I couldn't bref

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