Ok. So I'm officially over 30 now, right? And sometimes I kind of feel like I should eat responsible cereals like other adults do. You know, the stuff like the Shredded Wheat that makes me feel like I could actually die because I don't really put a lot of milk in my cereal (because the way I feel about milk could really be a whole other blog post), and the dryness could cause me to choke to death on a single, solitary piece of shredded wheat that got caught in my esophagus. And then my effort to stay healthy would ironically result in my untimely, wheaty death. And then I think of Grape Nuts as an option, but in 3 decades I've never really understood what the actual Grape Nuts are. Are they grapes? Are they nuts? If not, why the name? It just seems shady and misleading to me. Because grapes and nuts are both delicious, so it would stand to reason that a cereal named after them both would be doubly delicious. But it's not. And I can't even decide what the things that come out of the box really are. I've always just seen them as tiny beads of tooth-cracking unpleasantness.
No. No. No. There will be no colorless cereals being poured into my bowl. Instead, I will eat Fruit Loops until Toucan Sam sends me an email telling me that new owners have adopted the Fruit Loops factory and will start replacing each loop with soy and tofu. And then I'll be like, holy shit, Sam! Thanks for the warning, man! Let's go see if the Lucky Charms guy and Count Chocula will let us into their poker game. We could probably buy in with all these extra shredded wheat squares we've got laying around.