Monday, April 14, 2014

Damn You, Jed Clampett

The problem with having an attention span as shitty as mine is that, unless your end of the conversation is riddled with interesting facts and humorous anecdotes, before I know it you're balls-deep in some kind of monologue about whatever, and in my head I'm playing the opening credits for The Beverly Hillbillies.

People:  yeah, so you know, the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  Coooommmme, listen to me story 'bout a man named Jed ...
Me:  uh huh

People:  I know, right? Because of the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed ...
Me:  uh huh, I know

People:  Shit, I'm telling you ... the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... then one day, he was shootin' at some fooooood ... and up through the ground come a bubblin' crude ...
Me:  Shit, yeah, you're telling me 

People:  I know, it's a damn shame about the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... oil, that is. black gold. Texas tea. ...
Me:  Yeah, it's a damn shame

But then, eventually, my head gets me into trouble .........

People:  So, you know, anyway, the thing with the stuff ???
In My Head:  ................ swimmin' pools. movie stars. .............. THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES!!
Me: uh huh

People:  (silence)
In My Head:  wtf? they stopped talking. why'd they stop talking?
Me:  (silence)

People:  so?
In My Head:  seriously.  w.t.f.?!  oh, shit. did they ask me a question? crap. they're still looking at me. they definitely asked me a question. shit. they're still staring at me. they're waiting for an answer, dumb ass.  think of something.  anything.  damn you, Jed Clampett! I should've been paying attention! shut-up. it's not Jed Clampett's fault that you weren't paying attention.  and it's not Jed Clampett's fault that his theme song was so damn catchy.  and now you've just wasted even more time talking to yourself about the awesomeness of the Clampetts.  shit! they're still looking at you! say something! anything! SAY SOME WORDS.
Me:  oh, yeah, you know, I'd have to check on that, I'm not sure

People: you're not sure if you like pie?
In My Head:  shit.
Me:  oh, "pie"!    Hahahahaha!  Of course I like pie!  Who doesn't like pie, right?  I was just... I was thinking... I thought you were talking about the other kind of "pi" ... like the one from math.  But, yeah, I mean, pie is totally great.  You know, put some ice cream on that shit, it's all good.

And THAT, my friends, is what it's like in my head ...

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