Alcohol Magic

I feel like the very first person in the history of the world to invent alcohol fit for drinking was a dude somewhere in a shitty little beginning-of-time town who was like, "yo. you need to drink this. because it's magic."  And the people looked at him like he had lost his fucking mind, because how could a drink be magic, and he should just go back to his little corner of weirdness and stay of out everybody's way.  And then he was all, "fine. don't believe. more for me."  And then people slowly started to notice all the bullshit and stupidness around them and how the crazy dude never seemed to mind or be affected.  So then the representative of the people went to the dude, and was all, "hey, crazy dude, we want to try some of the magic. I will disperse it to the people."  And the dude smiled a lazy magic smile, and said, "make it so, number 1."  And so the magic was spread.  Because the dude knew what was up.  Amen.