Cyndi Lauper, Captain Hook, and John McClane

Confession:  I am HORRIBLE at remembering people's names.  Basically, unless I literally hear your name every day, or I've known you my whole life, it's gonna take a few minutes for your name to come to mind.  BUT ... I can remember a face forever.  And so, what eventually happens is that I can remember what people look like, or who they remind me of, or something unique that they did, but not their name, and so when I need to tell another person about them, I usually end up saying shit like ...

Dammit.  I forgot to get that printout from Cyndi Lauper.

Or the guy from the Christmas party that got drunk and busted out moves nobody ever even knew he had ...  Hey, have you heard from Michael Jackson lately?

Sonofabitch, I have to go to the main offices, and my report was late.  Voldemort is gonna totally avada kedavra my ass.

Shit.  I locked myself out of the office.  Can you call John McClane to come let me in?

But the awkward part is that nobody else usually knows who I'm referring to because they're all better at remembering people than I am.  So when I ask about where the hell Captain Hook left the toner for the copy machine, I usually get horrified looks from people, and they say, "You mean Steve??  Uh, he went to go unlock the supply room with the master key".  And I'm all, "wtf? what happened to John McClane?"  And they're like, "Um, ok, John McClane is, in fact, Carlos, and he only has the master key for the outlying buildings."  And I'm all, "ohhhhh, ok, got it.  but, John McClane always unlocks my door for me when I forget the key, and I'm not in the outlying buildings."  And they're like, "Because Carlos always goes to get the key for you from Steve."  And I'm like, "who?"  And they're all, "Captain Hook.  John McClane always goes to get the key for you from Captain Hook."  And I'm like, "Ohhhhh, ok, perfect.  I get it now.  You gotta use the right names, otherwise nobody'll know who the hell you're talking about."

Tip Your Hats, Y'all

Happy Memorial Day, folks.  No jokes or smart-ass comments from me today.  Just sincere respect and gratitude for the men and women who serve(d) this awesome country of ours.  Because only here would I get to live the life that I love, with the people that I love, and be a part of this blog with you, and enjoy the seemingly stupid, simple pleasures that we often take for granted.  So thank a soldier today.  And if you don't happen to see one, then just send a silent thanks up into the universe, take a quiet minute, and watch it radiate through the atmosphere.  

I've Seen The Star Wars

Once upon a time, in a small, small town, there lived a 30+ year-old woman who'd never, ever seen Star Wars.  And that woman was me.  And when people found out that I'd never, ever seen Star Wars, they flipped their shit.  And that's how I ended up spending a whole day of my weekend watching Episodes IV, V and VI.  And I saw some shit in the Star Wars.  Some weird-ass shit.

I became acquainted with Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker, who are goddamn twins, yo.  And I met Han Solo, who is like Indiana Jones but with even more hotness.  Although I do really like Indiana Jones with his hat.  On second thought, they probably should've given Han Solo a hat.  Or a whip.  Or both.  It would've all been good.  Because Harrison Ford is always the shit.  I feel like maybe the creators of Star Wars already knew that going in, so they were like Let's give him a giant furry side-kick with no tangible vocabulary, because if anybody can pull off an unbreakable friendship with a Wookiee, it's fucking Harrison Ford.

And Obi Wan Kenobi dies.  So does Yoda.  And I was all, Luke, you're running out of mentors, man.  What are you gonna do?  Why didn't you stay in the fucking swamp until you finished your training.  LEARNING STUFF IS A GOOD THING. Now, they're not gonna be there for the fight at the end.  Darth Vader is gonna kick your ass.  And the Emperor is creepy as fuck.  DON'T GO TO THE DARKSIDE, YO.  THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU THERE.

And when I started the first movie (which is not, in fact, Episode I, but the first movie in chronological order in which the movies are made -- it's all confusing, I feel like there should be cliff notes, or an appendix with maps and charts and other helpful material), I already knew that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father, because you hear the shit all the time ... Luuukkkeee, I AM YOUR FATHER.  But I did wonder if Luke Skywalker was aware that his father was a stately, elegant, African-American man with a voice like thunder.  And when they took off the helmet in the last movie, I was like, What the fuck, Star Wars? THAT MAN IS NOT JAMES EARL JONES.

But on the upside, I did learn that the Death Star isn't actually a star, just a giant death machine.  And in the last movie, I wondered how The Empire was constructing a new one on account of the no gravity in space.  I assume that the movies leave you with questions like this to keep you wondering, because that's how they get you to use your mind so you're better able to channel The Force.  

The Sky's An Asshole

This Morning


The Sky:  Hey, I'm awake

Me:  So?

The Sky:  Get up

Me:  No

The Sky:  But I'm AWAKE

Me:  Go away

The Sky:  But it's a beautiful day

Me:  It's Saturday, asshole

The Sky:  But there's so much awesome stuff out here, like the grass, and the trees ...

Me:  Fuck you

The Sky:  ... and the clouds ...

Me:  Seriously, stop

The Sky:  ... and the land ...

Me:  I will kill you

The Sky:  ... and the birds are singing ...

Me:  I'll kill them, too

The Sky:  ... beautiful little chirpy songs ...

Me:  Don't think I won't

The Sky:  ... and smell that fresh country air ...

Me:  For real, you will die

The Sky:  ... and look at that! here comes the sun shining right into your window! a wonderful ray of sunshine right across your face! there's no way you can still be asleep now! this is gonna be a fantastic day!

Me:  You motherfucker

I Do This For You

Remember when you had all your shit together and you totally remembered to wish your peeps a happy holiday?  Yeah, I don't.  Sorry about that.  I completely missed the Easterness with y'all because my attention span and memory completely suck.  And, well, let's face it.  At this point, if you don't expect me to forget shit fairly often, then I don't really know what to tell you.  Except that this was coming, yo.  You should always expect me to fuck up every now and again.  Because fucking shit up is really one of the things I do best.  If it wasn't, there wouldn't be anything to talk about here.  So really, I forget things and screw up because I love you guys.  And I want you to have fun reading the stuff on here.  And I want you to have someone you can relate to, and be all, ugh, dude I know I forgot to get that report in on time, but that's nothing, because this one chick I know FUCKING FORGOT EASTER.
I do this for you, you guys.

Damn You, Jed Clampett

The problem with having an attention span as shitty as mine is that, unless your end of the conversation is riddled with interesting facts and humorous anecdotes, before I know it you're balls-deep in some kind of monologue about whatever, and in my head I'm playing the opening credits for The Beverly Hillbillies.

People:  yeah, so you know, the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  Coooommmme, listen to me story 'bout a man named Jed ...
Me:  uh huh

People:  I know, right? Because of the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed ...
Me:  uh huh, I know

People:  Shit, I'm telling you ... the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... then one day, he was shootin' at some fooooood ... and up through the ground come a bubblin' crude ...
Me:  Shit, yeah, you're telling me 

People:  I know, it's a damn shame about the thing with the stuff about the person
In My Head:  ... oil, that is. black gold. Texas tea. ...
Me:  Yeah, it's a damn shame


But then, eventually, my head gets me into trouble .........


People:  So, you know, anyway, the thing with the stuff ???
In My Head:  ................ swimmin' pools. movie stars. .............. THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES!!
Me: uh huh

People:  (silence)
In My Head:  wtf? they stopped talking. why'd they stop talking?
Me:  (silence)

People:  so?
In My Head:  seriously.  w.t.f.?!  oh, shit. did they ask me a question? crap. they're still looking at me. they definitely asked me a question. shit. they're still staring at me. they're waiting for an answer, dumb ass.  think of something.  anything.  damn you, Jed Clampett! I should've been paying attention! shut-up. it's not Jed Clampett's fault that you weren't paying attention.  and it's not Jed Clampett's fault that his theme song was so damn catchy.  and now you've just wasted even more time talking to yourself about the awesomeness of the Clampetts.  shit! they're still looking at you! say something! anything! SAY SOME WORDS.
Me:  oh, yeah, you know, I'd have to check on that, I'm not sure

People: you're not sure if you like pie?
In My Head:  shit.
Me:  oh, "pie"!    Hahahahaha!  Of course I like pie!  Who doesn't like pie, right?  I was just... I was thinking... I thought you were talking about the other kind of "pi" ... like the one from math.  But, yeah, I mean, pie is totally great.  You know, put some ice cream on that shit, it's all good.

And THAT, my friends, is what it's like in my head ...

Let It Go, Yo. Let It Go.

So I finally watched Frozen.  I had to.  Because of all the hype.  And everybody was talking about it all the time, and there were all these jokes about it on Pinterest, and adults everywhere were like, "o.m.g. have you seen it yet? it's soooo good!"  And I was all, no I haven't seen it. I don't know what everyone's talking about.  I don't know what the jokes mean.   I want to understand.
And now I do.  Olaf.
And there was other crap, too.  Like the snow.  And the ice. And the cold.  Because all of the shit is frozen.  There is no subtlety in the title, people.  All of the shit. Is. Frozen.  And the only thing I could think when the queen is beginning to discover that her powers are growing, and you know there's trouble on the horizon, was "WINTER IS COMING".  (Spoiler alert:  Ned Stark isn't in this one.  And as far as I know, the Lannisters are still wreaking havoc in King's Landing.)
But for me, it was all about Olaf.  That guy is hilarious.  They need to make a movie just about Olaf.  Because he earned it, yo.  That snowman is a fucking star.